Restoration of a Shell of a Woman

New Yorker with a Country Soul

I am currently in North Carolina where my mother grew up.  She has been in New York for over 30 years now, and I was born and raised in the Bronx, New York.  Buildings on top of buildings, people on top of people, moving fast trying to one up the other.  But there is something special about coming here, the air is different, the environment a complete contradiction to the city, miles and miles of space, everyone stopping to talk even if they barely know you.   Even with the vast differences and no matter how much time passes, it feels like home. I came to restore a shell of a house, and realized I needed to restore a shell of a woman.

My maternal grandfather purchased about 15 acres of land for his wife, my mother and her 7 sisters.  My grandfather and grandmother have since passed on and 4 of my aunts have gone on.  The house my mother grew up in still stands even though no one has lived in it for about 20 years.  My mother has been talking about fixing up the house for years and this year she is finally doing just that.

Stuck in what was

I say all that to say this, it is very easy to become stuck in what was and what is even if it is no longer beneficial for you.  I am helping my mother with this project of renovating her childhood home and it has me thinking so much about life, family, and choices.  The house needs to be completely redone, there isn’t anything really that can be left as is.  There hasn’t been anyone caring for this home and there are so many issues that now must be remedied, and it will only get worse before it gets better.

A Shell of a Woman Stuck in Time

When we stop caring for ourselves we become like this abandoned house.  Just a shell stuck in time without any usable parts.  Not growing or thriving.  God does not want us in that state of lacking, of not living and breathing life into the things we want.  For a very long time, I was just like this house.  Trying to take care of and do everything for everyone else.  I put so much pressure on myself to do everything right and perfect.  I was consumed with responsibility, obsessed with caring for my children, burdened by stress, and felt completely inadequate in every area of my life.  Nothing looks the way I want it to, nothing has happened the way it should have, everything is too hard to attain.  I was living in depression for years and didn’t even know it.

Restoring a Shell of a Woman

I have been doing the work of restoration within me, a shell of a woman.  I thank God, that I still have usable parts.  Some parts need to be thrown away completely, other parts are just broken and in need of repair, still other parts hidden within seeds that is waiting to be watered.  It takes time, diligence, trust, and openness to being obedient to what may seem like the hardest thing to do or let go of.  It is NOT easy!!! 

God will restore your usable parts

I have slowly been realizing that I don’t need to be perfect to have God’s love.  He loves me no matter what.  He cares for me even when I don’t care about myself.  It is only because of him that I still have usable parts.  If anyone has ever felt like any of this, just know that it is not impossible to feel better, be better, and know better.  Ask God to help you restore your heart, your mind, your body… He will show you what needs to be thrown away, mend what is broken. He will water your seeds. 

“For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun!  Do you not see it?   I will make a pathway through the wilderness.  I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”

Isaiah 43:19 NLT